Being in the clouds is super magical and I love everything about the actual flying experience, however, everything else SUCKS.
I've even considered becoming a flight attendant, because flying, and more importantly, the loudspeaker. I love microphones, but frankly, I shouldn't ever be allowed to hold one because I'm immature and people would probably want to murder me. Even after all these amazing perks, I still wouldn't do it because, again, everything else SUCKS.
I just returned from a long vacation [lies, this was posted 6 months ago I just forgot to share], so I have a lot of things to discuss. Get cozy– here are the types of People you Find at the Airport, Part 1.
The Blissfully Ignorant
I will never understand why people don't thoughtfully prepare for the TSA check. I haven't jumped on the Pre-Check train yet, but I don't think you're worthy of that privilege until you've mastered the normal line.
Whenever I approach the TSA check, I take a deep breath and become a stoic warrior until I'm sitting down putting my shoes back on. Why can't we all be on our best behavior? I don't think anyone gets excited to go through TSA except..
that lady who wears overly complicated shoes and sees this as an opportunity to ask questions or discuss pleasantries with the TSA staff— "Do I have to take off my wedding ring?", "Oh, WOW, is that a new machine? I didn't see that here the last time I flew in 2003". Jesus. Timeout for you Judy— 65 minutes for 65 years. Sorry to bring age into this, but you got us here.
These people arrive to the airport no less than 2 hours before their domestic flights, so they don't understand how anyone could be in a hurry because they are the 1%—the other 99% is LATE, F'ING LATE.
I know I'm not a loser, but when I walk through first class, I feel like a fucking loser. There's always one waspy toddler with Beats headphones and a tablet loudly demanding more juice— WE GET IT YOU'RE A RICH BABY. They're not even going to remember this amazing privilege I hope to one day experience.
Let me talk to your Manager's
Ah yes, it's time to buy $10 trail mix because you didn't have a chance to eat before you left. You get in line and it's basically snaked around the entire store because one person is asking questions or looking for their card. These people should not be allowed to fly until they learn their manners.
I once saw a man demand a refund over peanuts and I thought, well, I guess this is going be my first fight. Does he know where he is? AN AIRPORT, A PLACE WHERE EVERYONE IS LATE. I shouldn't have to say this aloud. Whatever the issue, get over it, we're in this together. I never got to eat my almost-expired $10 trail mix and I'm still salty about it.
Overhead Bin Abusers
If you are a person who puts a single jacket or stuffed animal in the overhead bin— remove me from everything, I have no interest in being your friend. These people are the reason why you're forced to check your carry on at the gate, and there's NOTHING more frightening than checking a bag—especially when you're not mentally prepared.
People who need a timeout
The seatbelt sign has been turned off and suddenly everyone has so many pressing things to do instead of sitting in their seat. I have a strict no bathroom policy, unless it's an absolute emergency. I strongly believe in going before you get on the plane— no excuses. If you have a small bladder, pay for the aisle seat.
There's also that one token person walking to the restroom without any shoes on. I don't even know what to say. I'm completely grossed out and I can only imagine they're the types who chew chips loudly with their mouths open.
Quick note: I am intentionally skipping over the middle seat conversation because its overplayed and everyone gets it.
The window seat-- obviously the best seat. I ball on a budget, so I never get to choose my seat. Each flight, my only option is to pray that I get to control the window shade. I'm a pretty good sport about the middle seat, but when the Queen of the row decides to pull down the shade, I swear my face turns red. BISH, ONE THIRD OF THAT WINDOW IS MINE. If you don't like looking out the window, don't take the window seat. So rude.
I can only assume these people are narcissists who love the power move of waving people to go first in a four-way stop even though it's their turn. I'm also convinced they don't believe in fun.
Comfort > Everything else-ers
Fun fact: I HATE travel pillows. I doubt their comfort and see them as a close cousin to commericalized holidays. Yeah, I'm also that person who hates Disneyland and stopped believing in Santa by the age of 5.
For Comfort Over Everything Else travelers, minature pillows are just the beginning. They arrive at the gates so bundled up you can barely see there's a human underneath it all.
Unless you're travelling internationally, bringing comfortors and queen-sized blankets should be criminal. Mm, I take that back. It's always criminal. Queen-sized blankets have no place on an airplane. It's not possible to fit all that within the tiny confines of your seat and that's when it becomes personal.
I do, however, agree with their travel-wear. Bring on the onesies and slippies, but please leave your enormous blankets at home.
WOW. Where do I start. Family traveling, what an experience. Parents who travel with children deserve a gold medal. Children can be cute, but they can also be nasty little devils. You never know what you're going to get, and to take the gamble of flying with children under 10, takes a lot of guts. I commend you.
The fun, light-hearted version, includes matching t-shirts, cute baby-sized luggage and over-the-top vacation wear. The dark side includes sprinting around the airport, throwing things on the ground and eardrum-shattering tantrums over sheer boredom. Really, baby, your tablets and iPhones X's can't hold you over?
Please feel free to complain about traveling in the comments below. This is your one free pass.