THE 10 TYPES OF MILLENNIALS, AS TOLD BY A MILLENNIAL

Photo by Mariana Medvedeva / Unsplash

Millennials have been the target of Marketers everywhere for our buying power and willingness to spend more on things that make us look cooler. They’ll tell you we love experiences over things and affectionately call us the Peter Pan generation because we just don't want to "grow up".

I've come across quite a few Millennial personas and I'm not super jazzed about them, so I've come up with my own.

Enjoy.


WOO GIRLS

Woo girls roll 20 deep to brunch. They never do anything social without their squad because, well, #squadgoals. These girls are super hot and will likely ignore you at the bar unless you are equally hot and keep their flutes topped off with the finest Rosé.

Woo girls have jobs, but don't mind nursing a hangover Friday morning at the office. They are fun, sassy and really great at taking Célfies.

You'll find them sporting rompers, monograming even harder than a sorority woman in college and LIVING for gold balloons that spell things.

BFF balllons

Image curtesy of FUNBOY

FINANCIALLY DEBILITATED STUDENT LOANERS

Remember when you thought college was a good idea? Financially Debilitated Student Loaners are still eating ramen and living in their parents basement because their student loan payments are over a thousand dollars a month.

They wonder if they'll ever be able to pay them off or save any money at all. Living in their car has been a real consideration because of those unicorn stories of people paying off $80,000 in two years seems like a real possibility, but only if they fully commit.

Every morning, they curse the day Navient (or your preferred loan provider) was born and think about what their life would be like without student loans. They are the kings of ballin' on a budget and they'll continue to be for the next 20-30 years, which is ridiculous because they don't even order avocado toast.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE-ERS

What am I going to do with my life-ers are on the internet blogging and use a lot of self-deprecating humor. Their wandering souls are comforted by the likes of GIRLS and Broad City, and fear the day this lack of direction ultimately becomes unacceptable. Something has to happen, right?

To let the world know how defeated they feel, you'll hear a lot of UGH - SIGH - WHYYYYYYY. These people are funny and have a very special place in this world.

broad city

Curtesy of Comedy Central

THE URBAN JONESES

Urban Joneses love the city just as much as they want to bring babies into this world. And, they certainly won’t let their beautiful children impede their lifestyle. You’ll see them brunching hard with their little ones who aren't even phased by their $25 dollar plate. You wonder if you’ll ever be as cool as a three year old ordering beignets.

FRAT MEN

Frat men play nice with Woo Girls. They order very particular cocktails, rarely hang out with anyone outside of their fraternity brothers from college and are the most prone to wearing RompHims. They've transitioned to loafers over Sperry's but other than that, not much has changed. Certainly fun to be around, but two day hangovers and kickball leagues are probably standard if you have one of these in your friend circle.

romphims

PYRAMID SCHEMERS

Pyramid Schemers participate in social selling. Maybe it's jewelry or maybe it's weight loss supplements, either way you end up removing them from your newsfeed after one post too many. You're sad about it because you like them, but just can't handle the forced advertisements.

INFLUENCERS IN TRAINING

Influencers in Training are distant relatives to Pyramid Schemers. They aspire to organically advertise waist trainers, tummy tea and strapless bra things on the internet so they can quit their day job they most certainly hate.

tummy tea

FESTIVAL GROUPIES

Festival Groupies don't ask themselves if they're too old for live music because the answer will forever be no. They are work week warriors who ditch business casual for really fun outfits and dance most weekends away.

NO DAYS OFF-ERS

No Days Off-ers live for fitness. You better believe they count their macros, document their daily journey and flood IG with pictures of their butt. This works out great because we need #FitInspo and men need this kind of content to spend an insane amount of time in the bathroom.

FUR PARENTS

Fur parents are cousins of Woo Girls. They treat their pets like family and their entire life is built around their precious little angel(s). No expense is spared for their furry bundle of joy - whether it's a lavish birthday party or a photo shoot, their pets are more spoiled than the average human.

puppy party

Photo curtesy of One Stylish Party


I could keep going, but we'll leave that for the second edition.

XO,

DISCO VEGAN



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