I don't know about you, but I'm shocked we've made it this far. I thought for sure the world would've exploded by now. Turns out, we just suck instead.
Internet, I have some serious questions that need to be answered.
Why don't boys call us anymore?
The only person who actually enjoys chatting with me on the phone these days is my precious little Grandma. Thanks, Grandma, you're the best. But really, we've become these terrible, socially awkward creatures who would rather break up with someone through a text than in person..
Why don't girls wear clothes anymore?
I love being free and wearing whatever I want- don't tell me how to live my life, girl power.
My friends are probably cackling as they know the serious truth behind the statement above, but the question is worth asking. It's pretty wild that women can just walk around in a bra and that's completely acceptable these days. Honestly, when do we really cross the line into public indecency? I feel like twerking in a skin-tight, see-through dress might just qualify, but then again, half the country would probably be arrested.
Why are songs like this on the radio?
I'm 5000% positive you won't bother to listen, but great news! You probably recognize it anyway. The title alone should be a clear indicator, "Wet dreamz". This is a song about high schoolers losing their virginity. I think I actually commit to calling this jam soft-core porn. It's crazy this is where we are today considering at my own high school dances, "Get Low" and "Right Thurr", made me feel like I was livin' on the edge. Wait, I take that back, we did have the "Thong Song".
All in all, I guess I'll take J. Cole rapping about his early sexcapades over Eminem rapping about killing everyone. I love you Em, but some of your stuff is way too much.
Sure, we've all heard those unicorn stories of people dating forever from Tinder and having babies. But whenever I'm on there, the experience is similar to bar close- it's 2am and all the men are scrambling to find their best bait to convince me to go home with them instead of finding pancakes.
At least here in The Bay you have zillions of potential matches to scroll through. My friend in Cincinnati let me go to town on her account. Literally after four minutes the men straight up disappeared. I thought I was just really bad at Tinder, but she told me this was normal and a very sad reality in her life.
We'll close with Pizza.
We do not need to put hotdogs and donuts on pizza. Seriously stop it.